I hear this term a lot in my travels in the D/s world, "topping from the bottom." I know Doms cringe when they hear this term and no good subs ever top from the bottom. However, today I want to address something much more serious and perhaps a red flag for many of us. Topping from the bottom doesn't happen if one is really dominant. I can try to top you, I can do whatever you think is topping from the bottom from your perspective. However, I would never, ever be successful unless you *can* be topped. So it is a non-issue really. You, if you were my dominant, would be able to hear what I am saying, or understand what I am doing, and not think it is topping from the bottom, because you'd be secure in your dominance and know that I am not in a position to top you ever, and even if I try, I won't be successful.
There is a downside when submissives are accused of "topping from the bottom," especially when they are trying to express themselves, their feelings, struggles, stumbling blocks, points of discomfort, etc. These are not attempts to top from the bottom, but they are attempts to communicate difficult issues, or communicate across differences. When a submissive is accused of "topping from the bottom" by her dominant, and she places full trust in said dominant, so much so that she wouldn't question the accusation, she can often end up questioning the merit of her submission, feeling like she didn't do something right, or that she needs to modify her behavior in some way to serve better and please her dominant. Yet, the real issue, the one that was causing problems, the one that might have been difficult for her, the one where the Dom and the sub were experiencing differences, remained unaddressed, only with the potential to be a bigger issue in the future.
Submission is not about being silent. Submission is also not about being okay with things that cause a submissive damage. Real damage. A good dominant should be able to hear what a submissive is saying and not be insecure and see it as topping from the bottom. A dominant who can be topped from the bottom has not yet stepped into his dominance fully. A submissive who feels that she cannot express herself openly and freely to her Master can never fully grow and thrive in her submission, and thereby, can never fully serve her Master to her highest potential. Associating communication with accusation is a dangerous and irresponsible thing for a dominant to do.
I wish all the Doms who accuse sincere submissives of topping from the bottom would
- step into their dominance fully and know that this is a non-issue
- listen to their submissives with an open heart. Try to hear what she is saying instead of accusations. That stunts communication
- identify why they feel that their dominance is so easily topped
- redirect submissives if needed instead of accusations of topping
I would happily admit that there are people who walk around claiming to be submissives but they are kinksters and know nothing about submission and do try to top from the bottom. However, if a dominant meets such a person, it would still be a non-issue no matter what the other person is trying to do. A real dominant cannot be topped from the bottom and therefore any attempt to do so by anyone is futile and therefore, again, a non-issue.
My concern, for the most part, is for those who are still stepping into their dominance, or who are not strong dominants, who accuse sincere submissives about micromanaging and topping from the bottom, when submissives try to communicate difficult issues or communicate across differences and cause hurt and pain because the dominants are unable to see the value of such communication beyond feeling threatened. Such accusations are especially harmful for new submissives because it can take years to discard that kind of identification, that perhaps one is not good enough as a submissive if one tries to communicate, or worse, a submissive learns that she cannot lean on her dominant to help her when she struggles with something in the relationship. These accusations can cause lasting emotional damage to a newcomer and also to an experienced submissive and I wish and I hope that dominants are more careful than becoming accusatory of those that they have promised to take care of and nurture.
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