Fake, Flake Dominants

I have posted here and here about the various sorts of dominants I have met online and the immediate superficiality that becomes evident from such meeting. In those posts, I have discussed the easy identifiers of such fake dominants in online spaces. Such identifiers usually include the use of honorifics in their names, an automatic expectation of submission, equating submission and slavery together as if they are one and the same, and a genuine sense of belief that they truly are masters because of their honorifics.

However, what I have not yet discussed are the ones who come to online spaces with their "real life" experience cards. There is a lot of discussion about how online D/s is watering down what is the actual experience of living in the lifestyle, in flesh. That online experiences of the lifestyle is a fantasy, artificial,  easy to get in and out of with clicks of the mouse and typing on the keyboards, whereas the real experience of being collared, leashed, of kneeling in front of your dominant, of feeling the dominant's touch on your skin while under his/her control are beyond the imaginations of those who "play" D/s online. As someone who is experienced in the "real" life arena, I have no problem with such characterization that unless you have actually experienced the lifestyle in flesh, what one experiences online is not the same as what happens in flesh. Yet, I am not quick to judge online experiences as entirely "unreal" either. There are various reasons why people enter into D/s relationships online and being genuine, open, and honest can allow for some beautiful ways of experiencing some aspect of a D/s relationship, not similar to the flesh experience, different, but still legitimate and real. 

What I have noticed though that there are some people coming to the online space and putting out their "real life" experience cards. As in, "I have 21 years of experience in the lifestyle, check me out, I am really a Master, I have earned this title." I have often wondered about those people and the legitimacy of their claims. First, anyone can come and claim anything for any number of years. Just because someone has done something for a certain number of years, does not automatically mean that they are any good at it. Doing something for 21 years does not mean doing it well. One could very well suck at something and keep doing it for years. In that case, the experience card is just a window dressing, an enticement, an advertisement, and in many cases a false one. 

Additionally, having been in the "real" life arena of the lifestyle, those I know who have "earned" the honorific of a Master, do not have a need to go around telling people, that they are a Master and that they earned this title. They come across settled, balanced, at peace with themselves, and allow their mastery to exude out of them so that others automatically see it, revere it, and acknowledge it. When "Masters" from other states came to my local BDSM community, they never asked us to call them by their honorifics. They never once mentioned that they have earned the title of "Master." We knew. It wasn't important to them, because they were secure in who they were and weren't in need of proving themselves. Some of us called these Masters, "Sir," others called them "Master," and yet some others just called them by their names, if he introduced himself as, "Hi everyone, I am Derek." But the point is, even if someone earns the title of "Master" from their local community, it isn't necessary to go around touting such honorifics, because mastery cannot be demanded, it is not something that needs to be marketed, advertised for its retail value like a used car. 

What makes me cringe further is that in some spaces in our online community, there are people who are so genuinely hungry for the guidance and presence of some experienced dominants, that the minute they hear "real life experience of 21 years," they automatically rubber stamp the person as legitimate, as a mouthpiece of all wisdom, and yet the person is running around insecure, trying to find his footing, and desperately repeating about his earned mastery every chance he is getting, his other qualifications, and being filled with a distorted sense of power and control, one that is dictated, and in no shape or form earned. Those dominants, the ones grounded in "old guard" philosophies who didn't buy into any one truism of D/s or BDSM, who mentored me, would caution me about such posers because real mastery does not need advertisement of any form, in names, in titles, in honorifics. Just because someone has "earned" a title in some space in their real life community does not mean that they are not going to have to "earn" the same respect in another community, real or virtual. That a real life master of 21 years do not understand the concept automatically makes me question the legitimacy of all of his claims. 

Dig a little deeper into the experience of such real to online Masters. Ask them how many people they have owned and for how long, and you would be surprised to see that their experience comes up empty. You would wonder how one could claim any kind of mastery, how one could mentor anyone else in their relationships, when s/he does not have the depth of experience himself or herself. If one hasn't run their own household, gone through the daily negotiations that happen in D/s, the hard act of balancing vanilla and lifestyle issues every single day, the deprogramming of social conditioning while living in flesh with another human being, the head spinning nature of having so much power and control over someone else's life, one's well-being, and still finding one's own footing, one's own grounding, one's own balance and peace, there is no way one can ever claim that s/he is a "Master" of anything no matter how many books one read, how many play parties one attended, how many munches one may have lead, and how many people one may have mentored with one's "theoretical" knowledge. 

This is not a game. This is an issue that anyone in the lifestyle should take seriously and all of us should be alarmed and alerted when people like these enter amidst us. Dominants hold a lot of responsibility in their hands, the unconditional trust of another human being, the surrender of a baby girl, the point of no return of a slave, and if they are not equipped and/or experienced to handle these responsibilities, touting an ability to do so with some unverifiable honorific title in their name, is just dangerous. 

In my opinion, those people who need to shout out loudly who they are, tagging themselves with honorifics, advertising their "mastery" of one thing or another frequently, despite having any real experience of ownership, are not only not worthy of the "Master" title, but are also very insecure human beings compensating for things that they do not feel they have. What these things are could be anyone's guess. However, what I would like to caution people who are reading this, is that when you hear someone coming to your online space and tout such experienced honorifics, question the person, see if that person is legitimate or not, because if they are not legitimate and they are going around doling out advice, then they are in a position to do a lot of damage to people and that is not desirable for anyone involved.

Cross posted at http://ds-academy.blogspot.com/2011/12/fake-flake-dominats.html

Timing

I have no idea why some people come into our lives when they do. But I have always found that things have a way of working out, becoming purposeful, even when at the moment I cannot comprehend the reasons. Maybe our rationality seeking minds fill in a hole in our understanding with some illusory explanation. So I am going to do try to trick my mind and play a song instead. Go ahead, figure out the meaning from it, all the minds who are reading this. I dare you. :)

Global Energy Problem? Solved!

Yes ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between and beyond, I have solved the energy crisis in this world by some awesome Internet search skills.

Biting the Forbidden Fruit: An Unforgettable Legacy

I could recall the first time I used an Apple product or the first time I got really excited about thinking technology as an extension and expression of me, and definitely I could list all the Apple products I own, making me surely a fangirl, but that would just be rather pedestrian to the profound sense of loss the world experienced with Steve Jobs' departure from earth. Gone too soon, indeed.  Tonight I am a bit emotional because my mother, too, is fighting cancer in her life and it is a sneaky disease, and no amount of money or science can really be a guarantee against this killer. 

I used to say that I would be Steve's slave girl if he would have me, and even though people thought I was joking, I really wasn't. He truly was a Master at his craft and I had followed his career closely with great admiration. I learned imagination from him. I learned that even when things seem to fall apart, even when a company is in the brink of bankruptcy, all is not lost and that creativity, vision, and a belief in a better future sometimes can be the most powerful weapon against despair. 

In his commencement address to Stanford graduates, in 2005, Jobs said, "You have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life." Knowing how much he relied on this sense of trust, this sense of intuition, I have understood that sometimes our minds might not have a rational explanation for the way we think or feel about a certain situation, possibility, project, person, circumstance, etc. However, perhaps we don't need to. Perhaps we don't need to condemn our mind to find meaning and rationality, because it is very good at filling in those blank spaces with our own ego-centric gibberish. Perhaps what we need more of is the trust in our own intuition, knowing whatever we are experiencing, no matter how challenging it might feel at the time, the dots will always connect and things will always fall into place, somehow, some way. 

This sense of faith in self, in intuition, is probably the cornerstone of following one's heart and boy did I do that repeatedly in my life. There were times when I failed miserably and times when I have soared but never regretted one minute of it. There is no reason to not follow one's heart. Living in fear that your heart will be broken because you tried something you love is only going to hold you in a place of pain. At the end of the day, as inevitable as death is for every one of us, the only thing that matters is whether you felt fulfilled, whether your heart sang, whether you did what you loved. In the same commencement address, Jobs said, "Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

And while Jobs followed his heart and became a visionary to millions across the world, I had always appreciated the simplicity of his philosophy. I have a healthy sense of aversion to people trying to convince me that their way of thinking, living, processing information, judging is the right way, and they begin to puff out their knowledge of how their information is superior to anything anyone else can put out there or they stomp the ground baiting you to "Prove them wrong." And yet I have no desire. I have never had the desire to prove anything to anyone. 

One cannot make someone change their minds, belief systems, or dogma, if the person is not willing on his or her own. And yet if I invest my time, my energy in the futile attempt to change dogma, I am drained, my efforts are misplaced, and in this short duration that we are given on earth, I end up spending many hours frustrated. For me, it is critical to trust that my desire to follow my heart in combination with my ability to be foolish shouldn't always be a bad thing and can open up new possibilities, new paths that I didn't discover or imagine before. What joys would I find there? What gems would await me? How would I demonstrate my gratitude? I end with Steve Jobs' quote from the 2005 commencement address, "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." Rest in peace and in divine innovation Steve.

There's nothing but love

At the risk of sounding cheesy, I can't help but write about some of the most overwhelming feelings I have experienced today. Today I saw a group of people rescue a person from under a flaming car, just coming together in their humanity. No one instructed anyone what to do, but people saw a person in crisis buried under a 4000 pound car whose hood was in flames, ran to the rescue of this one man, toppled the car, and dragged the man from under the car. It was as if everyone knew at that moment what they needed to do, like a well-orchestrated dance. So they danced. A life was saved. Humanity witnessed a random act of kindness from a group of strangers, who wanted nothing in return, an unconditional act that spoke of purity of intentions. It was in those moments I realized how much I love life and how connected we are in our shared humanity. Waves of love, compassion, and empathy flooded my being.

I meditated this morning. It was a guided meditation with visual prompts. The visuals, the revelations, the awareness, and the shift of perspectives renewed me from the core. I floated, soared through my day, did laundry and cleaned my bathroom even, acts that can and should be considered miraculous when it comes to me. I am filled with so much light that I do not think language could do justice to the overwhelming emotions that are flowing through and around me.

As simple as this may sound, the embodied experience during meditation made me realize that nothing else matters in our existence other than love. There is nothing else but love manifested in its various light and dark forms in our experiences. Pain and suffering are also part and parcel of love, just on the darker side. When we hurt, when we suffer, it is because our heart hurts and it hurts because we care, because we have a core belief that was somehow disrupted, and most often it is a core belief of love and compassion that got shattered or challenged. I realized today that perhaps the awareness of who we are and the form in material existence can be at once separated and united. In its united form, our consciousness and our lived experiences seem to be one with information flowing from our experiences to inform our consciousness, our awareness of pain, suffering, happiness, peace, etc. On the other hand, if we see consciousness, our awareness to be separate from our form, and see our form as the portal through which our consciousness or our awareness experiences life, then we can get a different perspective, perhaps one that is not as clouded, as thickened by the daily drudgery of life. 

It was through that separation of awareness and form, I learned that pain and suffering, highs and lows of life, all are ways in which my awareness experiences my existence, my journeys, and yet at a level of my highest awareness, I can hold unlimited amount of love and unconditional acceptance for all that I experience without labeling any of it to be right, wrong, sinful, saintly, good or bad. That kind of acceptance made me realize that at our source, at our core, what we have is unlimited, unconditional love and acceptance, that sees light and dark as variation of shades instead of good and bad. I was no longer afraid of my shadow. I was at peace knowing that I have a fountain of love from which I can draw my life's energy.

I realized why I have been a love slave, why I have always needed love to submit. I told Master when we first met that I don't do contracts and I only submit if there is love. I need to be loved and I love in return. Every single day we have been together, Master has loved me unconditionally. He held the reigns so tightly that whenever I got scared, when my fears and insecurities arose, he made sure I had stable ground and didn't walk away leaving me alone to sort things out. He accepted my light and dark sides, my inner bitch and my brat, my princess self and my surrendered self, and every other version of me that I presented to him. I am sure I have frustrated him plenty and yet he never let go. 

To say that I am lucky to have found such love, such mastery would be an understatement. I think people go through their entire lives to feel such a connection, such depth of acceptance and I experience it every day. To hear Master say that he loves me every day fills up my heart, my soul, my being. To experience such love in the way he treats me makes me feel fortunate. He challenges me to look at parts of myself that I am scared to peek in. But when I get the courage to do so, he supports me, holds a safe space for me, and remains my rock, especially when I babble away about all the things I have learned and experienced when I faced my shadow. He genuinely cares about my well-being and listens thoughtfully.

So this blog is dedicated to my Master, whose unconditional love and acceptance are just as kind an act of humanity as those people who saved a stranger from a burning car. He saves me everyday, infuses life into me, stays with me when I need him the most, holds my hand, and guides me along when I cannot find my own way. He simply doesn't let go. For that I am eternally grateful, beyond measure. Being in love is risky, scary, and prone to a lot of pain. However, with Master I know no other way to be. My heart is connected to his and this time around, I am not afraid of the pain anymore. There's only love and I am prepared to experience all shades of it with the man who loves me despite my flaws. Thank you Master for giving me a home in your heart, in your arms, and at your feet. Thank you for lighting me up with love. My cup runneth over.

I end this blog with this song that spoke to me while I was driving and reflecting on my rejuvenating experience.

The Sister Code and Friendship

Lately I have been thinking of the only two times that I have actively dissolved friendships in my entire life. I take my friendships very seriously. People who I consider friends are very special to me and once I make a place for them in my heart, there is very little they can do to make me not love them, or give up on them, or walk away from them, and in me they have a rock solid support system. I am fiercely loyal to my friends, extremely unconditional, and while sometimes my friends might drive me nuts, or get on my last nerve, I love them just the same because I am sure they forgive me for all the ways I am flawed and continue to be. Friends are priceless to me. Perhaps we don't get to choose our family or maybe we do, but friends we can make an active choice, and I have been enormously lucky to attract fantastic people in my life as friends. 

There are friends I have lost because our lives got busy or we had drifted apart, or moved away from our shared lives or interests that brought us together. However, whenever we reconnected, these friends and I shared a positive relationship and could pick up where we left off. But I have only actively dissolved  friendship twice. The first time I dissolved a friendship was when I was in my 20s and the last time I did the same was last summer. The first time was someone I have known in university and the last one was someone from SL. Both times the reasons were the same. Boundaries crossed, sisterhood code violated, and trust broken. 

Many people I know have this sisterhood code that we don't go after our girlfriend's current man or past partners. Both times, these two women violated that code in ways that hurt me deeply and broke trust so irreparably that I couldn't consider them friends anymore. My friends and I don't flirt inappropriately with our current partners or past ones, not just because we don't want to hurt each other, but just that we hold ourselves in higher regard than that and know that our options for flirting or partnering exceeds beyond our friends' circle and that we don't have to be entertained with each other's leftovers in some incestuous circuitous ways. Our sense of boundary is strong and while we all love to have fun, tease each other and our partners, we have always been able to respect boundaries of appropriateness. We never had to have a conversation with each other what such boundary ought to be like. It is as if we just knew. 

Yet, in SL, I see instances where people who call each other friends seem to cross these boundaries repeatedly, thoughtlessly. I am sure such boundary crossings happen in RL too, except I don't know any women in my RL circle who do that. I wonder what sense of worth one derives from getting attention from someone who is partnered to someone else, where one can at best expect to be a dirty little secret, the other woman, the guilt-inducing one, the one who unbalances, the one who would never be worth it for getting the honor, respect, and acknowledgment that she very well could richly deserve. 

I fill up with a sadness and empathy for women who hunch over their keyboards, night after night, day after day, typing text on a computer screen, vying for attention from men who are not committed to or interested in them, waiting for a text to pop up from these involved men, just so for that one moment they could feel that they mattered, and was deserving of his time, his connection, albeit polite and superficial. If I could, I would remind these women that they are worth much more than they think they deserve and that they deserve someone who would pay attention to them primarily, and not use them as a sideshow in their lives, a temporary distraction, entertainment, but one who would acknowledge these women as legitimate partners, forsaking all others (polyamorous relationships notwithstanding). To these women I would say that it is time that they open themselves up to better options than what they have been in the past, and that to not be afraid to take that risk, to be vulnerable, and they too can feel like princesses to their daddies, instead of going for the ones who already have their own princesses to dote on. 

Here's my wish for all. Let there be love, light, and compassion in everyone's lives who need it and even those who don't need it. Let there be companionship that makes one soar and solitude that makes one reflect on past patterns to collapse them. Let there be healing. Let there be cleansing. Let there be forgiveness of self and others. And let there be multiple earth-shattering orgasms. Because without that, we have nothing. :)

Dancing with my Goddesses

I am blessed with Goddesses in my life. They dance with grace and elegance and teach me how to hold my light, move fluidly through life, gyrate and undulate when needed, and spin around madly to feel the excitement of life whirling and twirling, swishing around me, brushing across my cheeks, awakening me, and they teach me how to step gently, in tune, listening to rhythms that I otherwise miss. So today, after taking a hiatus from blogging, I want to thank all my Goddesses.

Rose - She came into my life as a healer. She was going to heal my mind and my body. Tough job she took on. I called her my freaky witch doctor. Rose became much more than that over the years. We recognized in each other our shared humanity, our twin spirits, our shared struggles and triumphs in our lives thus far, and one final frontier we both were yet to conquer. When she falls, I fall, when she rises, I rise, and I know of no other terms than to call her my soul sister. I know things about her without her saying a word to me sometimes and she about me. I can send her a message in my mind and she texts me and writes, "You called?" Freaky, witch doctor. But I love my freaky doctor who travels with me to un/imagined places, utopian fantasies, up and down this universe, on whatever adventures we need to go on, unconditionally without any judgment. She has taught me the power of letting go of judgment, the joy of living in the moment, and strength of demonstrating kindness even to those who seem less deserving than most.

Karen - I met Karen when I was trying to buy some pretty rocks. The red ones, the citrine ones, the amethyst, the agate, and there she was, beaming with her light, smiling, walking to me, and little did I know that my life would never be the same again. I am continuously humbled by how much Karen is willing to offer unconditionally, with love, grace, and beauty almost unparalleled to anyone I have ever known. She teaches me to not be attached to the consequences of a good deed, of any action that I did because I wanted to be good. She teaches me to follow my heart, attend to the greater good, love anyone, everyone, even the ones amongst us that trouble us the most, and have compassion for those who seem to be the most bitter, hurtful, and troubled. I have learned to be in the flow from Karen and not be intimidated to see my shadow reflected in the darkness of others. By accepting others' darkness, I accept my own, and do not feel separated from that part of me which is not always good, not always right, not always ethical, not always sensible, not always behaving in ways expected of her.

Sharon - She is my paradigm shifter. Just when I think I have things figured out, she throws me a curve ball and makes me pay attention. She tells me things I don't want to hear. She forces me to look at things I don't want to see. She takes me places where I don't want to go. And I let her. She tells me freaky, weird things, and I hear with interest, with wonder, with amazement. She teaches me not to take things all that seriously and when I say "Fuck humanity, it can take care of itself," she says, "Right on sister." I am glad that like me, Sharon saw the shiny blue pretty planet and decided to descent on it about the same time as me. This time would not have been as fun if Sharon didn't dance with me or tell me that I don't need to figure out how to do the right dance, but that I am already dancing, already moving, already being fluid and graceful. All I need to do is realize and step into it.

Cat - Cat is a precious gem in my life without whom I would be fucking lost every single day of my life. From the time I wake up to the moment I go to sleep I stay in touch with this Goddess. She holds me up when I can't do it myself. She becomes my voice of reason when I cannot process the simplest things because I can be dumb sometimes or perhaps all the time. She protects me, she cuddles me when I hurt, she celebrates with me when I rise and soar in happiness. She stands by me, my greatest cheerleader, one of the most critical member of my support system, and someone for whom I would do just about anything, unquestioned. Cat is my sanity checker, my perversion enhancer, my goofy play partner, my smile inducer, my light bearer, and someone who continues to amaze me everyday by her intelligence, grace, strength, perseverance and kick-ass sense of humor. Cat teaches me to be good to myself, to fill up my own cup before trying to fill those of others with a hole in the bottom. Cat forces me to eat (that fucking bitch) when I don't feel like eating, and she teaches me to speak my mind, even if it means saying the unpopular truth. But most importantly, Cat teaches me to be present. Present when needed, present in the moment, and present in sisterhood and friendship.

I don't know at what point in my journey in this Universe I did something so good to be able to draw these women to me. They sustain and enhance my life force and bring me immeasurable joy for which there are no words. To them, I say, "Thank you for being my friend, and if I may, you have super taste in selecting your friends too."

The Big Black Dong

I have been discussing how this big black dong I got is taller than my dog and how I couldn't even put the entire tip inside my mouth. I figured I put my money where my mouth is, or where my mouth couldn't wrap itself around, so you'd see it for yourself.  I did this as an exercise asked by my Master to select toys that I thought would stretch me. I took that exercise as something theoretical, and definitely not with the potential of having the stretch-inducing items land at my doorstep. So, I went all out and chose the biggest black dong I could get. Master loved it and bought it for me and one fine day I open a discrete brown box at my doorstep, and voila! We have a weapon of mass destruction.

As I was unpacking this erm turbo cock, my dog was looking at me with fear and wonder. So, for my entertainment I decided it would be fun to chase her around the house with the big black dong. She positively ran away from the thing and tried to hide from me, which she never does. She usually jumps on me, squishes between the back of the couch and me to cuddle up against me. But never does she yelp and run away. 

Heavily entertained and astounded by the largeness of the mammoth-sized cock, I decided to pose the cock beside my dog to see exactly how it measured up. I couldn't get my dog to sit still as she was terrified of the cock. Finally she sat still for less than a minute when I snapped the shot. The cock, as you can see, is taller than my poodle. Even though the dong was meant to stretch me, having seen the dong I realize, forget the stretching, I am looking at displacement of several internal organs here. Suddenly, I am very afraid.

At the Movies

Something I wrote a while back that I had forgotten. 

At the Movies

In the darkness of the movie light

Your fingers roam my arm
As if to magically inject love
Into my veins, to travel to my heart
To revive a possibility
That you are not my past, not him
Not who shredded my worth
into pieces to win arguments
Not who traveled in the back
of a police car for untamed acts
with unforgiving glare
You are the present
The un-happened future

“I did not like the movie
But I didn’t have to,” you said,
As you held my hand
When we came out of the movies
But I liked being with you
In the present
There were no raised voices
Our mothers were spared
From angered name calling
Car doors were spared
From being slammed
Into our fiery, volatile words
Volcano ablaze
When you least expect

Or when you expect it
All the fucking time
Because you never know
When the sleepy giant
Will awake, burn
Ashes smoldering
Untamed by my tears
This is the end of today
as you know it
This may happen again tomorrow

That dark swollen face in the mirror
Stares at me unmercifully
Tears have left their trace
dripped eyeliners and mascara
Traveling down the cheek
Disappearing under the chin
Haunting me with one question
"Have we had enough yet?"

My eyes crimson,
Puffed as big as the hibiscus
right outside of our house
when I used to hurt myself
for being disobedient
and tell the doctor I fell down the stairs
As he stitched the bloody, bruised lips

Just like Gramma
Plenty disobedient, clumsy
Falling down, hurting herself
We put daisies on her dead body
to fragrance her with tamed obedience
Dressed in white she made her graceful erasure
Memory fades into a steep, stubborn tint

I packed up the shoebox with pictures
Postcards that I always intended to send
The photo albums, too big
to be contained, went in a larger box
He didn’t hear my exit speech
The one that I worked on for a year
Not until the curtains were dropping
When he screamed for an encore
Behind the curtains, I grieved.

A Beautiful Friendship

Going through the archives of my email I found this exchange between my friend, lets call him Keanu, and me. It made me laugh and lifted me up. I am posting it here for a reminder to myself of the good friends I am fortunate enough to have around me.

Gemma says --

I just want to officially record that you are crazy. Totally nuts. You are so free in expressing your emotions. You, my dear friend, are officially insane in the membrane.

Keanu says -- 
How many times did Rabindranath see Victoria Okampo? How many times have I seen or known Angelina Jolie or George Clooney? For that matter, when have I seen Rabindranath? You are not just a pretty face (not mention the hawt bod)... You are the sum of your existence, your work, your expression, your passion and zest for life. You are what you give to the world. I tremendously admire your intellect and your abilities. What is there to not like? I am in love with an idea, a perspective, a thought. If you eventually turn out to be a rude, huffy, termagant, I shall deal with it when that time comes.

Gemma says --

Friendship it is then. No agenda. No expectations. No timeline. Just unconditional friendship. I think I can do that. I can even get on board with what you said here:

by 'friend' I mean someone I can instantly connect to, confide in, have the loftiest of conversations and gleefully trade insults with.

Keanu says --

Good. It is settled then. 

Gemma says -- 

I may have misunderstood your mail in terms of my use of the word clandestine. I take it back. But thank you for acknowledging this:

You are absolutely, totally, completely right that you are 'worth more than being someone's secret companion'. Knowing you, I say with certainty that even being acquainted with you is an honor (don't laugh, don't make snide remarks; I am pouring my heart out here), which is why this entire business is so amazing and mindboggling in the first place. Therefore, there is no question whatsoever about your being relegated to the shadows in a cloak-and-dagger operation.

Keanu says -- 

There was never any question otherwise.

Gemma says  --

I was hoping that you would see it the same way. But why can't I make fun of your attempt to put me on a pedestal? Come on. :P  I don't see myself the way you see me. I am humbled. Thank you.

Keanu says --

You are so short that you are out of reach unless I put you on a pedestal. Does that take care of the stupid pedestal concept? If you really don't see yourself the way I (and I am sure, countless others) see you, then you ought to make that effort. There is a lot of good delectable stuff right there... You may even enjoy most of it!

Gemma says -- 

Gemma and Keanu are friends and will be friends for as long as they want.

Keanu says --

Don't you forget that. Otherwise, my ghost will haunt you.

Gemma says --
Gemma thanks Keanu for understanding that she deserves someone who is proud to be with her and apologizes for misunderstanding Keanu's intent.

Keanu says --

Apologies unnecessary. Someone who is not proud to be with you is an idiot or clinically insane.

Celebrating and Honoring Myself

I have been pretty hard on myself lately. I think we all go through the life's ups and downs and get into a place in our head where self-doubt creeps in, feelings of lack of worth run flooding, and we run old negative narratives from the past on infinite loop, all of which can only perpetuate undesirable outcomes. I firmly believe that in order to have an outcome that is contrary to self-doubting negative thoughts, one needs to do things differently. If you do things the way you have in the past, then how is it possible for you to achieve a different outcome this time? By referring to "you" I am only squarely pointing at myself, having an inner monologue to get my own head out of my ass.

So, today I am going to celebrate and honor myself. I need a little help from my past in order to do so, as in find narratives in my past that are celebratory, that are positive, that affirm me of the incredible worth with which we all walk this earth. I am now going to paste and remind myself all the ways in which people have loved me in the past and how they expressed such love. I will choose to believe that inspiring people to love this way, to love me this way, means that I have the ability to touch people in their highest vibrating, most life affirming, light generating, smile-inducing, heart-filling emotions. And that is no small thing. I am Stuart Smalley and doggone it, people love me.

"You are very precious to me, you are certainly one of the most intelligent and accomplished women I have ever met in my life, and I have connected with you at levels beyond imagination. I wish I had known you earlier in my life. You are someone I would be extremely proud (even to the point of vanity) of having in my life."

"The only thing I know is that the love is real, the connection is real and so is the bonding. At the same time, the circumstances are also real, the responsibilities, the sensibilities, the self-made choices are also real. You and I are dealing with these realities, perhaps in a slightly different ways, but drawing strength from them as well. "

"What of a reply - after reading your message that other day, I was in a heady daze. I left the lab, took the shuttle to the parking garage, took out my car and drove home as if by rote - like an automaton, without really being there or taking notice of anything. I was awash with several different feelings as your words gradually sunk in. I felt at once fortunate and grateful to you for having given me so much love, as well as a twinge of doubt as to whether I am worthy of that gift. I wished I were near you, by your side, on and in you, so that I could feel your presence through all my senses. I wished I could assimilate your essence, hold you close and never let you go. You see, no one has expressed their love for me in so many words, and your words were like a revelation, complete with the angels singing and the halo of light and so forth."

"I don't know how being madly in love feels. Perhaps I have long back traded in my youth and exuberance for experience and wisdom, which is why I am bereft of those fresh and unfettered feelings that young people enjoy. I just know of my yearning for you, of my gladness and joy for your presence in my life, of our amazing bond and connection."

"You are the single most interesting and achingly joyful phenomenon that has happened to me, ever! This connection that we speak of - is the most amazing thing to me, ever."

"I am going to carry this feeling, this precious feeling in me until I breathe my last, no matter whatever happens in between. Drawing strength from you and from your love, I shall be happy."

"Senator, senator, where have you been?

"I've been to Frisco to be crowned as the Queen!"

Senator, senator, what did you there?

"I frightened my M-S, so he hid under the chair..."

Senator, senator, you having a fight?

"I'm not talking to M-S, until he writes!"

Senator, senator, hasn't he written to you?

"Pfft! Those few lines? Lots better he must do!" (had to do with this one time when he responded with less words than i did and i was elected "senator" at my job, hence the jab.)

Me: "I see myself as an ordinary and perhaps somewhat of a selfish person who chose to pursue her happiness regardless of social, cultural, or familial expectations."

Him: "I am choosing to disregard this revelation. To borrow from the immortal wisdom of Forrest Gump's mom, ordinary is as ordinary does. A necessary corollary, therefore, follows that extra-ordinary is as extra-ordinary does. And nothing about your struggle, your courage, your convictions, and your achievements is short of extra-ordinary. Please give yourself credit, TYVM."  

---------------------------------------------------

And so I start my day with gratitude, with remembrance of those whose lives I have touched positively, those who saw the light in me, in times when I couldn't see it myself, those who were my allies, lifted me up, and gave me strength to carry me forward, on days and during phases of my life when I didn't feel all that strong. Thank you everyone who have loved me, who love me now, and who will love me again in the future. You have given me a timeless gift even if you may or may not be in my life right now.

Crazies get five minutes!

Yes, I have finally decided that there are way too many crazy people in SL. And I am not talking about crazy, in a pleasant I-want-to-be-raped-and-fucked-by-a-gang-in-a-cave-shackled-and-bound way that makes it a kink for some in BDSM. I am talking batshit crazy that makes you wonder if it is free Internet day at the mental ward. So here are my top ten tips for dealing with crazies in SL apart from muting them and tp'ing away from them, because such strategies are far too normal for dealing with the mentally insane.

10. Type random responses the minute you think one has given you reason to believe s/he is crazy. For example, consider the following dialogue:

Crazy: I am confused
You: Why?
Crazy: I am here for you and will do whatever you say
You: Ok
Crazy: But why must you not like water but like the swing and yet say that you are fond of milk after all this time? (Notice crazy emerges? Insert random response next.)
You: My looney bun is fine Benny Lava!

9. If the advice stated in number 10 doesn't work and crazy still talks to you, give yourself a 5-minute entertainment limit for engaging with crazy and type as many random outbursts as possible in those 5-minutes without any regard for what the crazy says. Examples include, but not limited to, are the following:

- the dog shit in the flower pot
- i have to have an enema today
- who put the goat in there?
- did someone fart?
- awesome dude! (especially if the person is a female.)

8. Start talking in coded language. If you know how to program in PERL, even better because s/he will think it is gibberish while you can say whatever you want to say and poof out of there in 5 minutes.

7. If you don't know PERL, have no fear, just talk in gibberish and s/he will think you're insane. When crazy thinks you're insane, you know you've really arrived.

6. Start enacting the scene from the movie, "When Harry Met Sally" pretending to be Meg Ryan and have a fake orgasm on the spot. Do it in text and voice or just voice, whatever your pleasure. But remember to be done in 5 minutes. No more entertainment after 5 minutes. Crazy gets neurotic after that and will suck you in and you might not be able to escape.

5. Start asking inane questions when the crazy one gets emotional or raises a topic which makes no sense to you. Consider the following dialogues as exemplars:

Crazy: I cannot and will not sweep the chimney. It is absolutely forbidden by Hank, my janitor.
You: Can you tell me what is so civil about the "Civil War?"

or:

Crazy: Deep in the bottom of the swimming pool, there are some evil marshmallows that sting, and only very special people know how not to go anywhere near them.
You: Why do men have nipples? What biological functions do they serve?

4. Pretend you have Tourette's syndrome but not for dirty words, instead for exceedingly nice and polite words, but shout them out angrily, in all CAPS, or yell them out on voice. For example, scream, "VERY NICE! SO KIND! I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER! YOU ROCK MY WORLD! OH BABY YEAH!" Repeat at least 5-7 times to be convincing.

3. Break out into a random sequence of dances by using all your animations and gestures. If crazy asks you to stop, pretend to be a Broadway actor and thank your audience for their appreciation and love, only after 5 minutes. Then leave promptly.

2. Tell the crazy person that you love her/him so much that you want to marry her/him and have their crazy babies and live happily ever after. Then leave promptly.

and the number one tip for how to deal with a crazy person in SL, is:

1. Tell her that you will get in touch with the other voices in her head magically, and will make sure that all of them become your bitches. In fact, assure her that at least two of the personalities are already kneeling at your feet leashed to you. Whisper in her ears, "Resistance is futile, biatch."

Who are these people?

I have been on SL for some time now. I have attended several discussions across the grid to expand my own understanding and learn and grow with other lifestylers. I do the same in RL too whenever I get the chance, but where I live, there aren't a lot of opportunities to engage in munches and discussions. So, I use SL and other online spaces to stay connected to topics that matter to me, while communicating with like-minded folks in the lifestyle.

However, lately some of the discussions I have been going to left me questioning who the people are that are leading the discussions and what inspired them to do so. One discussion I went to comprised of people who gasped at the idea of going to one's Master and speaking to Him about difficult issues as they come up and not wait until such issues become bigger, unsolvable blocks. As I suggested this idea, one that shouldn't even be unique to the lifestyle, people were surprised that I could have that kind of relationship with my Master, where I don't have to use more passive aggressive measures, or that I don't seek another support system that is separate from my Master. Seriously, who are these people? I have to question the seriousness of one's investment in a relationship if they cannot approach the person to whom they submitted their well-being and communicate honestly about one's feelings.

Then the other day I went to a discussion and I cannot honestly remember what the topic was because everyone spoke out randomly, purging out every thought they had about BDSM and the facilitator addressed a comment here and there, and I was left wondering how he was going to bring the multiple threads together to stay on topic. Well, he never really brought the various threads together so it felt like scattered thoughts on any and all aspects of BDSM.

Today, I went to a discussion where the leader had his harem of submissives in full adulation of him, while he disseminated completely inaccurate information. Basic, 101 level information, was misrepresented, while he tried to hide behind a few paragraphs of cut and pasted information he got from somewhere on the Internet without understanding the meaning behind the words he posted. Sometimes I wish, I could stay silent and not open my big mouth so I wouldn't risk pissing off people. Well today was not one of those days. Somehow, I didn't feel like being this docile, brainless, human today.

Therefore, yours truly decided to call out the discussant, to point out simple things like, in BDSM, through power exchange, there can be an element of sexual control both in and out of play, and such power exchange for control is one of the fundamental aspects of BDSM for many lifestylers. I won't even go into the repeated contradictions in arguments, or the back pedaling, because I simply don't have the time or the interest to do so. However, I found it interesting that the discussant was stating that there is no sexual control in BDSM, but acknowledged that people practice BDSM differently in their own lives. How can the former statement, an absolute, be true and reconciled with the latter, a subjective one?

While I don't claim to know everything about BDSM, and see myself on a journey where I have to still learn and grow, I cannot help but wonder who these people are, and how they arm themselves with the confidence of leading discussions (or in this case the discussion was repeatedly being referred to by his harem as "class"), when they lack some very basic information. At the end of the discussion/class, the harem congratulated the discussant, their Master, for teaching a great class with repeated and vigorous head nods, and I continued to question how someone who situates himself as a "teacher" could not even do some basic homework, or have a fundamental understanding of that which he teaches, or have the depth needed to discuss these multi-faceted issues.

So, I did the next best thing to resolve this inner conflict that I was experiencing. I went shopping! Retail therapy included a kick-ass outfit for an Alice in Wonderland party that I am going to DJ tomorrow evening from 6-8 pm (slt) at The Power Exchange, and rocking music that I downloaded from iTunes. By the time I got my outfit, downloaded my music, and prepared my playlist, I was back in my happy place and my world became balanced again. Yay!

A Smile

Sometimes a smile can make all the difference. A smile when one wakes up. A smile in the middle of the day. A smile when one ends the day. A smile when someone does something kind for you, for no reason, and a smile when you feel like doing something nice for a stranger without expectations. Today, I was thinking of the many reasons I have to smile everyday.

I lead an extremely blessed life. I wake up every morning taking stock of things that overwhelm me with feelings of gratitude, and I smile. I have people around me, who for the most part, make me smile. My dog, I swear, was a clown in her past life. I think she looks at me and smiles, sometimes gives me a look, like her mom is the most insane human she has seen, and at other times, looks at me so cutely, that I have to remember to be strong to scold her for something bad she did. 

I have people who love me, and for that I feel really grateful. I have no idea what I have done to deserve this much, but they seem to be okay with my goofy side, moody side, cranky and grumpy side, and any other sides I choose to express. I wake up and go to sleep thinking how love is the strongest force in this world. How love can truly overcome anything, everything. I wonder what our world would be like if our world leaders used love to be the driving force for political negotiations. How many places would we bomb then? 

I wish for our world, for us as humanity, that someday we wouldn't have to kill others, bomb others, to take down people, groups of people, countries, civilizations to establish our superiority. That perhaps one day, someone somewhere in charge would say, "Enough" and begin to shift politics and negotiations from a place of love, care, and unconditional acceptance and abandon judgement. What would our international relations look like then? What would happen if we didn't operate from a place of fear, but from a place of gratitude and camaraderie? 

I go to bed, imagining a world full of utopian possibilities, and I smile. Perhaps it takes just one person, at any given moment to say, "Enough," and not just rely on someone in leadership position. Perhaps that one person can be me, today. And maybe tomorrow, someone else could be inspired, and the next day, another. I am reminded of Margaret Mead, when she says, "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; Indeed, it's the only thing that ever does."

I will end with a tune that always lifts me up and makes me want to do my part in bringing smile, balance, and unconditional acceptance in my own life and extend that outwards. So today I smile. I smile because I have so little to complain about and so much to be grateful for. I smile because I am alive, and I felt the ocean breeze blowing through my hair and making my lipstick smear on my cheek, which made me look like someone had beaten me across my face when I went to work, and induced a crimson blush on my already marked face. I smile, because I have dirty thoughts in my head about the marks on my cheeks. I smile because when I reach out while in pain, I have people who sit with me, talk to me, listen to me, cuddle me, and wrap me in a protective blanket, until I feel strong and ready to face my fears. I smile because no matter what happens tomorrow, I got to live today, and I have so much to live for today. I smile, because, just because.

A Thousand Years

Gorgeous song, gorgeous lyrics. It speaks to me.

A thousand years, a thousand more, 
A thousand times a million doors to eternity 
I may have lived a thousand lives, a thousand times 
An endless turning stairway climbs 
To a tower of souls 
If it takes another thousand years, a thousand wars, 
The towers rise to numberless floors in space 
I could shed another million tears, a million breaths, 
A million names but only one truth to face 

A million roads, a million fears 
A million suns, ten million years of uncertainty 
I could speak a million lies, a million songs, 
A million rights, a million wrongs in this balance of time 
But if there was a single truth, a single light 
A single thought, a singular touch of grace 
Then following this single point , this single flame, 
The single haunted memory of your face 

I still love you 
I still want you 
A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves 
Like galaxies in my head 

I may be numberless, I may be innocent 
I may know many things, I may be ignorant 
Or I could ride with kings and conquer many lands 
Or win this world at cards and let it slip my hands 
I could be cannon food, destroyed a thousand times 
Reborn as fortune's child to judge another's crimes 
Or wear this pilgrim's cloak, or be a common thief 
I've kept this single faith, I have but one belief 

I still love you 
I still want you 
A thousand times the mysteries unfold themselves 
Like galaxies in my head 
On and on the mysteries unwind themselves 
Eternities still unsaid 
'Til you love me 

Submission and Ballroom Dancing

I have dabbled in ballroom dancing. I have even performed on stage for various dance conferences. Then one day I discovered why I enjoy ballroom dancing as much and how it relates to who I am. I am a submissive from the core of my being. Sure in my everyday life I have to take care of things and for that I have to be assertive, competent, delegate tasks, and manage people. However, none of that takes away from my submissive nature.

In ballroom dancing, the woman follows and the man's lead. It is an extremely easy concept for me to understand being a submissive. There is an amount of trust, connection, and chemistry that has to be there for an effective partnership. I remember the moment ballroom dancing became clear to me was when I accepted that on the dance floor the man is in charge. I began to flow and glide from that point onwards.

However, afterward when I learned to do tricks and lifts, I realized something very critical. Even though I follow the man, even though he is lifting me or throwing me around, I am actually carrying my own weight, positioning myself strategically, instead of being a dead lump of meat for him to carry. I noticed that same issue came up in Dancing with the Stars, where Mark Ballas told Chelsey Kane this season that she is doing her moves but during the lifts she is not carrying her own weight and it is getting heavy for Mark to carry her, although she is one of the skinniest, most fit person I have seen.

Submission, for me, works very similarly to ballroom dancing. I trust my partner. We have a connection, a special chemistry. He leads and I follow. However, I have to carry my own weight. He cannot do everything for me even though he is in charge, guiding, leading, and controlling us. I have my own weight to lift, own steps to execute, and cannot really be a dead weight and expect him to just make me float and glide with his magic wand. And what a magic wand that is. :).

Apart from the above realization, the following has been by far the most relevant realization today, which I read in a book about the Law of Attraction. "It is never possible for another person to behave sufficiently, or consistently enough, to keep you in balance. That is your job. If you can accept, when you do not feel good, that it is no one else's responsibility to bring you back to feeling good, you will discover the freedom that is essential to your maintenance of personal joy. And if you do not, you just move from unsatisfying relationship to unsatisfying relationship" (Hicks & Hicks, 2009, p. 84).

Just like in ballroom dancing, even if the man leads the woman incorrectly on the floor, the woman still has to execute the steps as correctly as she can, making him look as good as she can. This kind of selfless, egoless, display of performance appeals to me as a submissive. I don't purport one becomes a doormat, but I wonder what a relationship could look like when one is not focused on that which is not working but that which is working brilliantly. And what would it look like when someone takes the responsibility of bringing her/himself into balance on their own when the easier path would have lead to complaining and blaming the other person, no matter how justified such complaint might be. I come back to that one tenet in ballroom dancing, where I have to carry my own weight regardless of how the man leads me.  Thus in submission, I have realized that bringing myself into balance when something seems off is my responsibility and no one else's in order to have a satisfying relationship.

Red Penis Your Friend, Spank You

This weekend I got into slam poetry and ran into some Taylor Mali's work and works of some other people. I think slam poetry is the new thing that I dig now even though it has been around for decades. Today I am going to post two slam poems and one very geeky Taylor Mali clip on the "impotence of proofreading." Master and I continuously express our frustration at the lack of people's ability to articulate themselves especially when they laugh away this inability as if it is a congressional medal of honor to wear. But if one doesn't care about how one expresses themselves, then what does that imply about one's very message itself? Anyway, here are three clips to honor both my Master's and my inner geek. I am one lucky girl to have found a man who matches me so well.

This clip is an iconic clip of Taylor Mali's slam poetry and it is so inspirational that by the end of it, I was standing up and cheering for teachers everywhere.



This next clip inspired the title of the blog. It made me chuckle and my neurons felt adequately tingled. Tingling neurons make me a cerebral slut.



And this last clip just makes me beam with pride. While I am somewhat disillusioned at what our schools are doing in the name of teaching the next generation, this sixteen-year old makes me proud, gives me goosebumps, and makes me smile ear-to-ear. I have hope that our next generation is not as dumbed-down as I had imagined.

Chills and Shivers

Anzaldua has this quote about mestiza consciousness that always sends chills and shivers down my spine. So I thought I would share.

On that day I say, “Yes all you people wound us when you reject us. Rejection strips us of self-worth; our vulnerability exposes us to shame. It is our innate identity you find wanting. We are ashamed that we need your good opinion, that we need your acceptance. We can no longer camouflage our needs, can no longer let defenses and fences sprout around us. We can no longer withdraw. To rage and look upon you with contempt is to rage and be contemptuous of ourselves. We can no longer blame you, nor disown the white parts, the male parts, the pathological parts, the queer parts, these vulnerable parts. Here we are weaponless with open arms, with only our magic. Let’s try it our way, the mestiza way, the Chicana way, the woman way” (Anzaldua 1987/1999, p.110).

Also, this poem written many moons ago by Misha Cahnmann absolutely stayed with me. So I share.

Driving Through North Philly

I see them. The shoes

on Eighth Street—there must be 

thirty pair perched upside down. 

An uneven silhouette of sneakers 

slung over electric wire; 

the lightness soaked out of them, 

except for the eager cleats, 

less familiar with the whims of weather.

Here a boy doesn’t give up shoes 

unless they give up on him; 

a face bruised with September 

and measured kicks through corn chip bags 

crushed in the side-pockets of this city.

I think of other reasons for these pairs in flight: 

maybe a test of gravity, feet got too big, 

or a protest against restrictions 

on tilted chairs, names gouged on desktops, 

on-time, straight lines in the yard.

For weeks I wonder until I stop 

to ask a kid from the neighborhood. 

We study each other: a black boy, 

backpack over left shoulder, pants big enough 

for two of him, and a white woman dressed like a teacher 

with notepad and loopy earrings. “Because it’s fun, Miss,” 

he says, as if the answer were scrawled on the wall 

behind me in oversized bubble letters. 

And then, “So they remember you when you’re gone.”

I think of the thirteen apartments I’ve lived in 

over the last nine years and how I’ve never left anything behind. 

I look at the newest pair, think how impractical 

to let color fade, perfectly good and out of reach, 

an empty walk on sky.

“I done it lots a’times, Miss,” he says with a grin. 

I consider how little I know about joy. 

What it’s like to throw something up in the air 

that’s important, that weighs something, that takes you places— 

and not wait for it to come down.

Both of the pieces just remind me of the value of accepting, going with the flow, letting things be, and finding joy even when things might appear bleak. I wanted to remind myself of that today. I hope everyone reading this will find their own inspiration.