Crazies get five minutes!

Yes, I have finally decided that there are way too many crazy people in SL. And I am not talking about crazy, in a pleasant I-want-to-be-raped-and-fucked-by-a-gang-in-a-cave-shackled-and-bound way that makes it a kink for some in BDSM. I am talking batshit crazy that makes you wonder if it is free Internet day at the mental ward. So here are my top ten tips for dealing with crazies in SL apart from muting them and tp'ing away from them, because such strategies are far too normal for dealing with the mentally insane.

10. Type random responses the minute you think one has given you reason to believe s/he is crazy. For example, consider the following dialogue:

Crazy: I am confused
You: Why?
Crazy: I am here for you and will do whatever you say
You: Ok
Crazy: But why must you not like water but like the swing and yet say that you are fond of milk after all this time? (Notice crazy emerges? Insert random response next.)
You: My looney bun is fine Benny Lava!

9. If the advice stated in number 10 doesn't work and crazy still talks to you, give yourself a 5-minute entertainment limit for engaging with crazy and type as many random outbursts as possible in those 5-minutes without any regard for what the crazy says. Examples include, but not limited to, are the following:

- the dog shit in the flower pot
- i have to have an enema today
- who put the goat in there?
- did someone fart?
- awesome dude! (especially if the person is a female.)

8. Start talking in coded language. If you know how to program in PERL, even better because s/he will think it is gibberish while you can say whatever you want to say and poof out of there in 5 minutes.

7. If you don't know PERL, have no fear, just talk in gibberish and s/he will think you're insane. When crazy thinks you're insane, you know you've really arrived.

6. Start enacting the scene from the movie, "When Harry Met Sally" pretending to be Meg Ryan and have a fake orgasm on the spot. Do it in text and voice or just voice, whatever your pleasure. But remember to be done in 5 minutes. No more entertainment after 5 minutes. Crazy gets neurotic after that and will suck you in and you might not be able to escape.

5. Start asking inane questions when the crazy one gets emotional or raises a topic which makes no sense to you. Consider the following dialogues as exemplars:

Crazy: I cannot and will not sweep the chimney. It is absolutely forbidden by Hank, my janitor.
You: Can you tell me what is so civil about the "Civil War?"

or:

Crazy: Deep in the bottom of the swimming pool, there are some evil marshmallows that sting, and only very special people know how not to go anywhere near them.
You: Why do men have nipples? What biological functions do they serve?

4. Pretend you have Tourette's syndrome but not for dirty words, instead for exceedingly nice and polite words, but shout them out angrily, in all CAPS, or yell them out on voice. For example, scream, "VERY NICE! SO KIND! I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER! YOU ROCK MY WORLD! OH BABY YEAH!" Repeat at least 5-7 times to be convincing.

3. Break out into a random sequence of dances by using all your animations and gestures. If crazy asks you to stop, pretend to be a Broadway actor and thank your audience for their appreciation and love, only after 5 minutes. Then leave promptly.

2. Tell the crazy person that you love her/him so much that you want to marry her/him and have their crazy babies and live happily ever after. Then leave promptly.

and the number one tip for how to deal with a crazy person in SL, is:

1. Tell her that you will get in touch with the other voices in her head magically, and will make sure that all of them become your bitches. In fact, assure her that at least two of the personalities are already kneeling at your feet leashed to you. Whisper in her ears, "Resistance is futile, biatch."