Submission and Ballroom Dancing

I have dabbled in ballroom dancing. I have even performed on stage for various dance conferences. Then one day I discovered why I enjoy ballroom dancing as much and how it relates to who I am. I am a submissive from the core of my being. Sure in my everyday life I have to take care of things and for that I have to be assertive, competent, delegate tasks, and manage people. However, none of that takes away from my submissive nature.

In ballroom dancing, the woman follows and the man's lead. It is an extremely easy concept for me to understand being a submissive. There is an amount of trust, connection, and chemistry that has to be there for an effective partnership. I remember the moment ballroom dancing became clear to me was when I accepted that on the dance floor the man is in charge. I began to flow and glide from that point onwards.

However, afterward when I learned to do tricks and lifts, I realized something very critical. Even though I follow the man, even though he is lifting me or throwing me around, I am actually carrying my own weight, positioning myself strategically, instead of being a dead lump of meat for him to carry. I noticed that same issue came up in Dancing with the Stars, where Mark Ballas told Chelsey Kane this season that she is doing her moves but during the lifts she is not carrying her own weight and it is getting heavy for Mark to carry her, although she is one of the skinniest, most fit person I have seen.

Submission, for me, works very similarly to ballroom dancing. I trust my partner. We have a connection, a special chemistry. He leads and I follow. However, I have to carry my own weight. He cannot do everything for me even though he is in charge, guiding, leading, and controlling us. I have my own weight to lift, own steps to execute, and cannot really be a dead weight and expect him to just make me float and glide with his magic wand. And what a magic wand that is. :).

Apart from the above realization, the following has been by far the most relevant realization today, which I read in a book about the Law of Attraction. "It is never possible for another person to behave sufficiently, or consistently enough, to keep you in balance. That is your job. If you can accept, when you do not feel good, that it is no one else's responsibility to bring you back to feeling good, you will discover the freedom that is essential to your maintenance of personal joy. And if you do not, you just move from unsatisfying relationship to unsatisfying relationship" (Hicks & Hicks, 2009, p. 84).

Just like in ballroom dancing, even if the man leads the woman incorrectly on the floor, the woman still has to execute the steps as correctly as she can, making him look as good as she can. This kind of selfless, egoless, display of performance appeals to me as a submissive. I don't purport one becomes a doormat, but I wonder what a relationship could look like when one is not focused on that which is not working but that which is working brilliantly. And what would it look like when someone takes the responsibility of bringing her/himself into balance on their own when the easier path would have lead to complaining and blaming the other person, no matter how justified such complaint might be. I come back to that one tenet in ballroom dancing, where I have to carry my own weight regardless of how the man leads me.  Thus in submission, I have realized that bringing myself into balance when something seems off is my responsibility and no one else's in order to have a satisfying relationship.

Red Penis Your Friend, Spank You

This weekend I got into slam poetry and ran into some Taylor Mali's work and works of some other people. I think slam poetry is the new thing that I dig now even though it has been around for decades. Today I am going to post two slam poems and one very geeky Taylor Mali clip on the "impotence of proofreading." Master and I continuously express our frustration at the lack of people's ability to articulate themselves especially when they laugh away this inability as if it is a congressional medal of honor to wear. But if one doesn't care about how one expresses themselves, then what does that imply about one's very message itself? Anyway, here are three clips to honor both my Master's and my inner geek. I am one lucky girl to have found a man who matches me so well.

This clip is an iconic clip of Taylor Mali's slam poetry and it is so inspirational that by the end of it, I was standing up and cheering for teachers everywhere.



This next clip inspired the title of the blog. It made me chuckle and my neurons felt adequately tingled. Tingling neurons make me a cerebral slut.



And this last clip just makes me beam with pride. While I am somewhat disillusioned at what our schools are doing in the name of teaching the next generation, this sixteen-year old makes me proud, gives me goosebumps, and makes me smile ear-to-ear. I have hope that our next generation is not as dumbed-down as I had imagined.

Chills and Shivers

Anzaldua has this quote about mestiza consciousness that always sends chills and shivers down my spine. So I thought I would share.

On that day I say, “Yes all you people wound us when you reject us. Rejection strips us of self-worth; our vulnerability exposes us to shame. It is our innate identity you find wanting. We are ashamed that we need your good opinion, that we need your acceptance. We can no longer camouflage our needs, can no longer let defenses and fences sprout around us. We can no longer withdraw. To rage and look upon you with contempt is to rage and be contemptuous of ourselves. We can no longer blame you, nor disown the white parts, the male parts, the pathological parts, the queer parts, these vulnerable parts. Here we are weaponless with open arms, with only our magic. Let’s try it our way, the mestiza way, the Chicana way, the woman way” (Anzaldua 1987/1999, p.110).

Also, this poem written many moons ago by Misha Cahnmann absolutely stayed with me. So I share.

Driving Through North Philly

I see them. The shoes

on Eighth Street—there must be 

thirty pair perched upside down. 

An uneven silhouette of sneakers 

slung over electric wire; 

the lightness soaked out of them, 

except for the eager cleats, 

less familiar with the whims of weather.

Here a boy doesn’t give up shoes 

unless they give up on him; 

a face bruised with September 

and measured kicks through corn chip bags 

crushed in the side-pockets of this city.

I think of other reasons for these pairs in flight: 

maybe a test of gravity, feet got too big, 

or a protest against restrictions 

on tilted chairs, names gouged on desktops, 

on-time, straight lines in the yard.

For weeks I wonder until I stop 

to ask a kid from the neighborhood. 

We study each other: a black boy, 

backpack over left shoulder, pants big enough 

for two of him, and a white woman dressed like a teacher 

with notepad and loopy earrings. “Because it’s fun, Miss,” 

he says, as if the answer were scrawled on the wall 

behind me in oversized bubble letters. 

And then, “So they remember you when you’re gone.”

I think of the thirteen apartments I’ve lived in 

over the last nine years and how I’ve never left anything behind. 

I look at the newest pair, think how impractical 

to let color fade, perfectly good and out of reach, 

an empty walk on sky.

“I done it lots a’times, Miss,” he says with a grin. 

I consider how little I know about joy. 

What it’s like to throw something up in the air 

that’s important, that weighs something, that takes you places— 

and not wait for it to come down.

Both of the pieces just remind me of the value of accepting, going with the flow, letting things be, and finding joy even when things might appear bleak. I wanted to remind myself of that today. I hope everyone reading this will find their own inspiration.

The Yellow Goat I Ate!

One doesn't know real love until right at the heels of one's one month anniversary, one's Master agrees to the following song to be the one that demonstrates the true love that flows between them. Master agreed Benny Lava to be our song, and his sl avi does look a bit like Benny Lava, my Mister Lovah Lovah Master. I couldn't be happier, that we now have our song, even though I am in tears from laughing and in a state of constant urination. Today marks the 31st day since Master collared me. One month and one day went by like a blink of an eye. This is what happens with us. We are on riding time in warp speed. Perhaps when we are both 99 and dirty old people, it would feel like we have only been together for one month then as it surely doesn't feel like that today, even though we have known each other for much longer than a month.

At any rate, I share with you, my dear readers, the love song of the decade. If you do not feel the love expressed in the song below, you clearly are a cold-hearted demon. You should just go destroy some cosmic realm or something, hug your inner child, and come back here to appreciate the depth of love presented as I sing, "The Yellow Goat I Ate," as a testimony of true love to my Master. Life simply can't get any better.

Serenity Now

In the quiet comfort of his arms, I know I am His. When he reminds me who I am, I know I am His. When I feel rattled and he centers me, I know I am His. When I struggle and he teaches me things I needed to learn, I know I am His. When he values me, hears what I have to say, as he cherishes me, I know I am His. When he tops me, calls me out when I am being a brat, or knows what I need to hear, I know I am His. When I hear his voice and my body instantly reacts to the things he says without any physical touch, I know I am His. When he allows me to open up my entire being, body, mind, heart, and soul, unapologetically, unabashedly, in their most uninhibited forms of expression, I know I am His. When he tells me he would never let me go, I believe him, and I know I am His. When he fills me up with his love, I come alive, I feel safe, I feel enslaved, and I know I am His. I am cherishing this journey. Every single minute of it. I am taking nothing for granted. I am filled with gratitude to have finally met my superior, my Master, my owner, my controller, my friend, my laughter, my peace, my home, my safe harbor, someone who envelopes me with his protection, care, strength, love, lust, passion, and discipline, daily. I slip a little deeper into submission everyday and I know if we go on like this, I would soon be at the point of no return. Or perhaps I already am. I am so completely fucked.

The Natural Disaster Love

I bumped into this song today. It spoke to me. Selected excerpts from the lyrics below.



Turn the lights out, in the light house,
I saw you coming,
Felt the ship wreck
Saw the wreckage, I heard you yelling,
Just a mess when I saw your reflection in the sand,
Wondering where you were washed up,
Or I ran to the water, Mmmmm,
I can put my hands down in it,
But I won’t bring nothing up,
Sitting at the shore all day, waiting on the tide to come

But you can’t hold on to water,
It fills you up but never stays,
It’s only good to wash away,
Today and your loving me like water,
You’re slipping through my fingers touch,
Natural disaster love, bringing on the flood,
of love,
Love me like a flood, the flood,
Bring it on

I knew the waves were icy, when I felt them all retreating,
Went to take a dive in the deep end,
Oh, what was I thinking?

But you can’t hold on to water,
It fills you up but never stays,
It’s only good to wash away,
Today and your loving me like water,
You’re slipping through my fingers touch,
Natural disaster love, bringing on the flood,
of love,
Love me like a flood, the flood,
Bring it on,
Ohohohoh Ohohohoh
Rising and falling in my dreams,
Rising and the falling of my tears that fill the ocean, (the ocean, the ocean).

Sailing Into New Territories

Yes I know I haven't written for a long time and my 30 day letters took a back burner to multiple events in rl and in sl. But oh what a ride I had in this past one month. It was a time to leave the past behind and sail away to new spaces, confronting my own fears and embracing possibilities of a better future than I could have envisioned. Taking some bold steps, surrendering to someone who could potentially take me down a path of submission so deep that I may never ever want to return from there, have been at once exhilarating and frightening.

I will restart the 30 days letters again once I get going with my blog again. In the meantime I cannot believe where I stand now, with whom I stand now, given how convinced I was that there was going to be no one who could even come close to what I had with my previous Master. To essentially block myself the option of even meeting someone who could even tempt me to consider him as my potential dom, I started to fill my rl and sl schedule up with activities, DJing gigs, discussion facilitations, dancing gigs, so that I would not have the time to pursue or think of entertaining anyone in my life.

And yet there he was. Popping up. Every once in a while. Reminding me silently, tacitly, that we are a match. In 98% of things, he once said. I resisted him. He resisted me. I ignored him. I assumed things about him. He assumed things about me. We mirrored each other in our desires, walls that we built up, and cautions with which we proceeded. Then one night we took a leap. We opened up in ways we needed to so that we may recognize who we are to each other. Who we have always been but never admitted. My brilliant strategy of ignoring him and writing him off worked as the best seductive ploy ever.

Funny thing is that our closeness developed outside of sl. Thanks to Xenu and FSM for the advanced technology available to man and womankind these days. SL became a medium of meeting but not what defined our relationship. And before I knew it, I found myself getting weak in my knees and wanting to drop down for Him, begging him to accept me as His, something I didn't think I could ever do after my last break-up. And now I am home. I don't have to float around anymore. Someone in this vast world thinks I am worthy of His attention and affection. For that I am grateful.

To say that I feel lucky doesn't cover the depth of bliss I feel being with my Master. I bubble over with happiness. He has awakened me to move on, to remember that I deserve to be happy, to remember that happiness is natural state of being when one is with the right person. We have both traveled paths full of pain and sorrow, joys and disappointment to be at this place. But here we are. Together. Ready to sail away into this new journey. It is our time. Good things happen to good people. Let the good times roll.

And because I am so into dancing and music, this song has become my theme song for us. Enjoy. :)