I have been pretty hard on myself lately. I think we all go through the life's ups and downs and get into a place in our head where self-doubt creeps in, feelings of lack of worth run flooding, and we run old negative narratives from the past on infinite loop, all of which can only perpetuate undesirable outcomes. I firmly believe that in order to have an outcome that is contrary to self-doubting negative thoughts, one needs to do things differently. If you do things the way you have in the past, then how is it possible for you to achieve a different outcome this time? By referring to "you" I am only squarely pointing at myself, having an inner monologue to get my own head out of my ass.
So, today I am going to celebrate and honor myself. I need a little help from my past in order to do so, as in find narratives in my past that are celebratory, that are positive, that affirm me of the incredible worth with which we all walk this earth. I am now going to paste and remind myself all the ways in which people have loved me in the past and how they expressed such love. I will choose to believe that inspiring people to love this way, to love me this way, means that I have the ability to touch people in their highest vibrating, most life affirming, light generating, smile-inducing, heart-filling emotions. And that is no small thing. I am Stuart Smalley and doggone it, people love me.
"You are very precious to me, you are certainly one of the most intelligent and accomplished women I have ever met in my life, and I have connected with you at levels beyond imagination. I wish I had known you earlier in my life. You are someone I would be extremely proud (even to the point of vanity) of having in my life."
"The only thing I know is that the love is real, the connection is real and so is the bonding. At the same time, the circumstances are also real, the responsibilities, the sensibilities, the self-made choices are also real. You and I are dealing with these realities, perhaps in a slightly different ways, but drawing strength from them as well. "
"What of a reply - after reading your message that other day, I was in a heady daze. I left the lab, took the shuttle to the parking garage, took out my car and drove home as if by rote - like an automaton, without really being there or taking notice of anything. I was awash with several different feelings as your words gradually sunk in. I felt at once fortunate and grateful to you for having given me so much love, as well as a twinge of doubt as to whether I am worthy of that gift. I wished I were near you, by your side, on and in you, so that I could feel your presence through all my senses. I wished I could assimilate your essence, hold you close and never let you go. You see, no one has expressed their love for me in so many words, and your words were like a revelation, complete with the angels singing and the halo of light and so forth."
"I don't know how being madly in love feels. Perhaps I have long back traded in my youth and exuberance for experience and wisdom, which is why I am bereft of those fresh and unfettered feelings that young people enjoy. I just know of my yearning for you, of my gladness and joy for your presence in my life, of our amazing bond and connection."
"You are the single most interesting and achingly joyful phenomenon that has happened to me, ever! This connection that we speak of - is the most amazing thing to me, ever."
"I am going to carry this feeling, this precious feeling in me until I breathe my last, no matter whatever happens in between. Drawing strength from you and from your love, I shall be happy."
"Senator, senator, where have you been?
"I've been to Frisco to be crowned as the Queen!"
Senator, senator, what did you there?
"I frightened my M-S, so he hid under the chair..."
Senator, senator, you having a fight?
"I'm not talking to M-S, until he writes!"
Senator, senator, hasn't he written to you?
"Pfft! Those few lines? Lots better he must do!" (had to do with this one time when he responded with less words than i did and i was elected "senator" at my job, hence the jab.)
Me: "I see myself as an ordinary and perhaps somewhat of a selfish person who chose to pursue her happiness regardless of social, cultural, or familial expectations."
Him: "I am choosing to disregard this revelation. To borrow from the immortal wisdom of Forrest Gump's mom, ordinary is as ordinary does. A necessary corollary, therefore, follows that extra-ordinary is as extra-ordinary does. And nothing about your struggle, your courage, your convictions, and your achievements is short of extra-ordinary. Please give yourself credit, TYVM."
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And so I start my day with gratitude, with remembrance of those whose lives I have touched positively, those who saw the light in me, in times when I couldn't see it myself, those who were my allies, lifted me up, and gave me strength to carry me forward, on days and during phases of my life when I didn't feel all that strong. Thank you everyone who have loved me, who love me now, and who will love me again in the future. You have given me a timeless gift even if you may or may not be in my life right now.
