Day One Letters

Today I am going to write two letters. The letters are meant to explore my kinky and vanilla side. The context of these letters are here.


Day 1: Letter to my best friend Daisy.

Dear Daisy,

Language is never adequate to fully place markers on one's emotions and I now stand at this intersection where I am overwhelmed by the abstract, concrete, and tacit emotions about our relationship, something that exceeds language, exceeds being captured, preserved, processed, and analyzed. You have brought me back to balance, repeatedly, making sure I stay true to myself in all ways, always. From the moment I met you, we have gone on an journey of adventure, honoring our inner Goddesses, crying together when our hearts ache, and having long drawn-out bubble-tea chats about anything, everything, and nothing. I have never had the kind of telepathic connection with anyone else but you. When you hurt, I do. When I hurt, you send me a text message without me saying a thing to you. When I rejoice, you know, and bathe in it. When you fly, I soar with you. I am amazed at how similar our life paths have been and yet how long it has taken us to discover each other. But here we are. In our light, in our glory, in our darkness, in our joy, in our silliness, in our goofiness, in our creation, in our falling off the wagon, in our getting back on the wagon, in our kicking the wagon, in whatever it is that we do. We ride the wave together and I don't know anyone else with whom I would enjoy surfing the blue planet more.


Day 1: Dom/sub/switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an in-depth definition of what this means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

I read this prompt and immediately wanted to resist. I am not easy to define. That doesn't mean that I am a switch. I am a submissive, all the way. But to figure out a way to define myself holds me in some sort of an absolute space and I don't do absolutes. I am continuously growing in my submission, deepening my understanding about who I am as a submissive. Therefore, what I say about myself today may or may not be the way I will "define" my understanding of who I am as a submissive or what submission means to me three months from now. So my initial instinct is to not answer the question.

However, given that I end up editing a lot in my first life, I decided to edit the question for myself and respond to this prompt instead. "What does being a submissive mean to you, today?" Then I don't have this instinctive need to deconstruct the question and consider having lunch as a better alternative to answering the question.

I have always been submissive. I just didn't know that what I was had a label. However, as a submissive, I frustrate some men. I am submissive but I am also capable of formulating intelligent thoughts, communicating said thoughts, and explaining the genesis and rationale of said thoughts. Most men find this difficult to handle, as this somehow makes me less submissive, less compliant, less willing to bend to their wills.

I am not submissive to all men. I am not submissive to most dominants even. The dominants who match me are usually extremely secure in their dominance and actually take a lot of pride in owning a submissive who has her shit together and comes to submission from a place of strength and has a decent idea of who she is as a submissive but remains open to growing and learning further. These dominants with whom I match have a strong sense of respect and honor, and they value communication highly in all its forms. This means they stay connected, do not go through prolonged periods of absence, prolonged periods without feedback on tasks assigned, and they remain open to communicate across differences without manipulation, punishment, or criticism, because they understand that we have journeyed differently before we met and thus carry different histories, triggers, fears, insecurities, and anxieties. Because they hold themselves in high regard, when I am with them (not simultaneously of course since I am not poly), I feel cherished, respected, honored, even while they are defiling me in the most unthinkable ways.

Usually submission for me comes when someone starts to control my thoughts, my mind, places his ideas and suggestions strongly over mine, making me admit things that I otherwise would not admit. Mind-fucking is my kink. That is the only way I submit. If I cannot be mind-fucked, my submission will not last for more than a scene, if that even. When people ask for my kinks, I usually confess that mind-fuck is the driver of all my kinks. Being properly mind-fucked, I can be made to do just about everything. My desires run dark and I usually match well with very strong dark-minded dominants, sadists even. The cape-wearing kind, perhaps *winks chaotically*. My kink is being kept on a short leash under His control and mind-fucked so much that all I would know and can know is how to please Him, and do it gladly, willingly, begging for more, and go as deep and dark as He needs me to go. I have been fortunate enough to experience that once or twice. It was the most amazing, euphoric feeling. Knowing that I can go more than I could have imagined because my need to serve Him trumps everything and that He has created a space for me to do just that while I feel safe, secure, respected, and cherished is what I need for my kink and submission to thrive and deepen.

I could always mention bondage, restraints, force fucking, raping, kidnapping, gang-banging, etc as my kinks and they have been extremely fun and arousing when I engaged in them. However, the fun wasn't in the kinks. The fun was in being controlled and pushed to do those things. I am a cerebral slut. Capture my mind, control my mind, and the rest of me will follow, easily.

Because I have been lucky to have experienced some really decent mastery, I have always chosen to not rush into a collar. If I wear anyone's collar, it is because I sincerely believe that the collar is not going to come off of my neck and that we are going to enjoy being with each other for a long time. Perhaps that makes me a snobbish subbie because I hold out. Or perhaps that just makes me, me. In all my im/perfections, willing to do anything for a good mind-fuck with someone who is my intellectual equal, who can match me on all levels, and can dominate me on all of them too. So that is what being a submissive means to me, today. Tomorrow, who knows?